Back To Reality
I’ve had back problems since school after falling down some stairs and then another accident at a fairground several years back, again on some wet stairs (note to self; really should avoid stairs) but the past few years have been the worst. I’ve had physio, endless amounts of painkillers and earlier this year I underwent minor surgery. I’ve pretty much spent the past few years in pain every day. I’m getting used to that life and my pain threshold seems to have increased. Although the surgery was a success and my surgeon is an amazing man, I have had a relapse after I sneezed and threw my back out again (I know, you couldn’t make this up). So now, after a brief hiatus from the daily pain, I not only have pain, but my left foot and part of my leg is stone cold and I’m hobbling about on crutches. Thankfully I haven’t prolapsed the disc again, it’s due to scarring on/around the nerve. Yay me!!
Physical pain I can handle (to a certain degree, I’m only human after all) but lately my mental health problems have reared their ugly heads again like the Hydra of Lerna mated with Eeyore. Sometimes your mind is your own worst enemy. I overthink things especially when I have insomnia or I’m on my own for a long period of time, I can be oversensitive and lately I can feel myself getting more paranoid. The only good thing is that I can recognize these behaviours/feelings at the moment but I worry that they may become normal to me and I won’t see that I have a problem or be able to control them if things get worse. I had 3 days off this week and didn’t leave the house at all. I had no desire to. I’ve barely spoken to anyone outside of work besides my mother and although I’ve posted the usual crap on social media of memes, bad jokes and silly comments, there’s been no real interaction or anything of substance.
Yesterday I almost called in sick for work but as it turned out I was needed earlier and I just thought ‘f**k it!’ and put on my ‘Little ray of Sarcastic Sunshine’ persona and went on automatic as usual. I have about as much feeling as my left foot. The only time I have felt anything real this week is when the birthday of my dog who died earlier this year came around. Then the flood gates opened. After that it was back to business as usual of lethargy, indifference and general self-loathing. Although the hallucination made for a nice/slightly scary change (I’m hoping that was down to the insomnia messing with my head) it’s been the same everyday. My Mum eventually convinced me to go out somewhere today but I’m not sure what difference it has made but it has got me writing this instead of keeping it all inside so maybe there is a little ray of hope.
Am I Getting Cranky Or Are People Getting Stupid?
Physical pain has something in common with mental/emotional pain, you often don’t want to or are scared of doing what is good for you or might help you. I’ll admit staying off work wouldn’t have done me any favours, especially since I work with a group of characters who enjoy work banter and winding eachother up (yes, we do get work done). The stress of leaving them short staffed and also the financial implications wouldn’t have done me any good either. My anxiety and paranoia would have driven me a bit more bonkers as well! Thankfully I didn’t have to endure too many cranks as working in retail can often relieve you of the will to live or the ability to see there are plenty of good people still around.
Whoever said the customer is always right was a moron, or maybe that was of a different age. These days the customer is too often rude, ignorant or on something (when it’s alcohol you can guarantee they’ll breathe it on you) and despite what they may think, staff are not paid to take their crap! I’ve been wondering lately if I’m becoming less tolerant to the bullshit because of my mental health issues or I’m just getting grumpy with the pain (I’m in my 30s so it’s not old age).Either way, I hope my inner monologue doesn’t turn on the speakers and make me answer back one day, although if it’s one day soon I probably won’t care. While out with my Mum today my head nearly exploded with this woman rattling on trying to sell us something from her stall. If I’d been on my own I doubt I would’ve contained myself. Her sales pitch was terrible as she pretty much trashed her own goods. Maybe I’m not the only one losing it…
I use humour a lot to hide my depression and anxiety. Sometimes I can’t handle talking about it or letting it show. Not everyone handles mental health problems well, it’s easier for them to understand or talk about physical problems. Tell them you’re struggling mentally and they don’t want to know or have no idea how to help or what to say. I know myself I’ve let someone down when I failed to see the signs or have been too messed up to be of any help. It’s not always easy to be strong for someone else especially if you’re not feeling strong yourself. Normally when going through a time like this I feel all sorts of negative emotions, but right now it’s mostly nothing with phases of anger and self loathing. I have no idea why or where it suddenly came from. I just hope it doesn’t last much longer. Sometimes I’ve misjudged my jokes or taken it too far and it’s making me come across as a bit of an arse! I wouldn’t say I’m normally all sweetness and light but I’m not a bad person. I just seem to be losing myself lately and it’s pushing people away. I only hope I can repair the damage before it’s too late.
That’s it, I’ve ran out of steam. Or lost the will to write, whatever, done. It’s a terrible ending but seriously, who cares?!!